Sunday, January 11, 2009

My Gay Day: 10.1.2009

It occurs to me that some readers may log into this blog out of curiosity—to learn what the exotic gay lifestyle is all about. You know, that lifestyle we gay folks choose when we choose to be gay. The lifestyle that is saturated with sex and drugs and decadence.

Since I don’t want any such reader to read and come away disappointed, I thought I’d devote this Sunday posting to My Gay Day: an account of one day in the life of one gay couple, with annotations that may possibly be gay.

Got up. Possibly gay. Too sleep-sodden to know for sure.

Had coffee
. Probably gay for Steve, since cooking is a woman thing. Not gay for me, since being waited on by women things is what being a man is all about.

Read the news and blogged. Maybe not gay. Men often read the news while women or women clones shlep coffee to them.

Had an omelet
. Again, gay for Steve. He cooked it. Not so gay for me.
Except it was brunch: definitely gay.

Cleaned house, both of us
. Definitely gay. Women’s work.

Watered plants. Ditto. Men don’t take care of things. They do things to things, relegating women to pick-up-the-pieces and take-care-of-things mode.

Read and worked on article for publication. In Arkansas, definitely gay. Men hunt ‘n fish, spit ‘n cuss, bash ‘n knock back beers. They don’t read ‘n write.

Ate late dinner, early supper of lamb and potatoes with peas, carrots, salad
. Gay for Steve, since he cooked it—in fact, bought it when the grocery store ordered too many legs of lamb at Christmas time and put those that didn’t sell on sale. Probably gay for me: what real man outside Greece eats leg of lamb?

Talked with Steve and his brother Joe about families and how insane they often are; cited examples from our own families.
Probably gay, though Joe has chosen to be straight and chooses to live a straight lifestyle upstairs from our flaming gay one. Since we all find the choice of Steve’s and Joe’s straight brother-in-law to shoot his five family dogs in front of his children shocking, that conversation may have been a tad gay even for Joe.

Talked about Jane Smiley's 1000 Acres, and how secrecy and silence allow families to pass on tragedy-causing traits generation after generation. Ditto.

Took a nap.
Gay? Straight? I do wear a sleep mask to cover my eyes when I sleep, so probably gayish.

Woke and checked news again. Not so gay. Had to remove the sleep mask to read and write.

Cleaned Christmas candy and cookies out of sideboard. Definitely gay. I made the candy and cookies, so gay-gay. And really, do straight men even have sideboards?

Talked with Julie at Facebook about the Southern Baptist Convention and the bankruptcy of neoconservative religiosity; sent Marcia an article on recovering voices of women from antebellum Southern history.
Definitely gay. Real men don’t talk with women about religion, since real men (aka Mark Driscoll) think women’s place is to listen to religious teaching, not invent it. And research on recovering women’s voices in historical documents? Puhleez. Don’t get me started. Gay gay gay.

Hung pictures with Steve, which one friend gave us for Christmas and another this past week. Definitely gay for me. I sighted them in and admired them. Butch for Steve: he got out the hardware, crafted hangers, and then pounded nails into the wall. Sexy!

Watched episodes of “Nip/Tuck” from Netflix rentals.
Gay or not gay? Don’t have a clue. These weren’t episodes with Dawn Budge or that cute Latino guy from “Queer Eye.” But “Nip/Tuck"? Come on.

Went to bed
. Definitely gay. B-E-D.

Fell immediately into deep sleep.
Has to be gay. Aren’t you listening? Hello! B-E-D.

Had vivid full-moon dreams.
Dreams were about a course I was taking in the seven sacraments. I had the bright idea of experiencing them all (again, if necessary) as a way of learning about them. Went to a church to be baptized again. Found they now use an immersion thing like a bathtub. Which I hauled outside and baptized my ownself, somehow finagling confirmation into the experience. Gay? Probably. Too playful re: the serious business of religion—men’s religion.

And so it goes, the exciting, torrid, sex-saturated life of one gay couple living the chosen gay lifestyle, year of our Lord 2009 . . . . For anyone now interested in choosing this salacious but alluring lifestyle, after reading this salacious but alluring account of said lifestyle, please email